My Budgie Is Green

Ode To John

2007-03-30T12:05:00.000+09:30

John, John he's our lad

He's been gone for just a tad.

But please come back to all your mates

Cause you're as far as the United States.*

I miss our nights out on the town,

I drink my beer with only a frown.

What will I do if you join the army?

God knows i will go completely barmy.

So please come back oh wont you John,

You've been gone for far too long.

* or the United Kingdom

Asian Backstreet Boys

2007-02-01T22:01:00.000+10:30

For anyone hasnt seen these guys yet, do so now. Bloody hilarious!

A M* F** Rant Emil Style!

2007-01-22T22:21:00.000+10:30

Sorry mate. Cant bring that flag in here. You see, in Australia, the Australian flag is actually a gang flag and it may incite racial wars.

WHAT THE FUCK?

Piece of shit political fucking correctness. Fuck you. Its my country, and i cant take my flag. Meanwhile, the stupid fucking thick as a brick shake dude can take his and wave it around singing "im a fucking tosspot short and fucking stout"

Its gone way too far. Fuck them I say. And right near Australia day. If there was a day when its appropriate more than any other to wave the Australian flag its Australia day but oh no, a couple of people will find it fucking offensive to see the Australian flag being shown on Australian soil on or just before Australia day.

IF YOU DON’T LIKE OUR COUNTRY GO BACK TO WHERE YOU FUCKING CAME FROM YOU UNGRATEFUL FUCKING BASTARDS

I don’t often swear and am definitely not a racist but by fuck ive had enough and tired of shit being thrown at me. The thick shake guy pisses me off. And now the aussie flag is banned from the Sydney big day out.

Why doesn’t Australia kick the large chocolate shake out. Hes a fucking nut and stirring more hatred and violence then the aussie flag. Our flag. My flag. And he reckons he has more right to be here then I do cause he paid to get here and im a convict. Fuck off you stupid fucking cunt. I think its time you shaved. Im not only an aussie, but a south aussie and have no convict blood in me. The only reason you are here is because my country is so much better than yours. And you cant deny it. Or you wouldn’t be here.

Im going to cry if the flag really does get banned. It will be a sad sad day. I take offence to unshaven faces, ban them!

Why doesn’t the government have the thick shake assassinated.

And someone else who should be assinated….Emil. Who the fuck organises a party after there mate has already organised one. Filthy croat scum.

Fuck im worked up. Ive never said fuck as much in my life i dont think. Fuck.

Im Wearing No Undewear!

2006-12-30T22:53:00.001+10:30

Happy New Year!

The Calvins v Rowdy

2006-12-19T22:06:00.000+10:30

129 v 160

After the disappointment of last weeks Grand Final, the first match of the new season was an important match in terms of confidence and getting off to a good start. Alas, Rowdy proved to be a formidable opponent, who through some big hitting early, highlighted some weaknesses in The Calvins gameplay.

Signs were good early, Anna picking up a free tea at the café on the parade. My banana milkshake hit the spot after a days trudging through the lovely surroundings of Beaumont, while the pleasure on Andrews face showed that his iced tea was flowing down and through his body like a properly made iced tea should. The friendly chit chat was relaxing and did a lot to focus ones mind on the game. The focus was shattered, however, when a realisation came through that we may be late to the 6:00pm start time and a race through the streets of Norwood to Windsor Gardens began. With Andrew seemingly taking random corners, Sam grew increasingly impatient with the non direct route to the centre. Fortunately, arrival time was a few minutes before start time and with the non arrival of Rowdy, there was even enough time to change. The other four members – Dennis, Dave, Luke and Matt – enjoyed a fine warm up and signs were positive, especially with Rowdy showing up numerous players down. As a result, they asked to bat first, and being a sporting team, The Calvins agreed to take the field, with a slight air of confidence about the evenings affairs.

The team confidence took a huge dive early, however, with The Calvins star bowler Matt, bowling the first over, being hit for 15. Things didn’t improve for the remaining 5 overs of the pair. A partnership of 73 was hit off the first 6 overs with only 3 wickets being taken – 2 runouts in Dave and Luke’s overs and a fine catch off the bowling of Andrew, the best bowler in the first pair by far. Three 7’s were hit with a further 9 balls finding the back net. The only positive to come from the partnership was the crowd doubled in size when Krystle joined Anna in the bleaches.
The second pair went to the Calvins, only due to the superb efforts of Andrew. Again the only bowler to really trouble the batsmen, he produced a fine over of -12 to keep the pair to just 31, taking the score to 104. If the Calvins could keep the third pair to a similar score, game on!
Having only five players, Rowdy had to have a player bat twice. Choosing the “weakest” player, confidence was again on the up, and soaring when Matt produced a wicket, clean bowling middle stump, on the first ball of the pair. No more wickets fell, however, until a runout off Sam’s over, the fifth. Andrew again produced last over heroics, recording another negative over but it couldn’t stop a 56 run partnership and a total of 160.

Although 160 is a large total to chase, The Calvins camp was still confident they could win the game. Only 5 fielders to contend with and 160 had been achieved a few times before. In walked Dennis and Andrew and it only took one ball to put a major dent in the hopes of players and fans alike. Dennis caught first ball. Another wicket in the over gave a score of -8. Losing three more wickets for the partnership, it was slow going and with just 22 runs in the partnership, two dejected players walked out of the net. Something special was needed.
Up stepped Sam and Matt. 12 off the first 3 overs each, 14 off the 4th and 19 off the last 2 earnt a partnership of 69 (party for 2!) without losing a wicket, giving The Calvins some hope of a comeback. Matt produced his highest score of 35, just outscoring partner Sam on 34, and was involved in his highest partnership of his career. The highlight of the partnership was the running, with extra runs being stolen on 6 occasions. The fans were going crazy.
Still needing 70 to win, Luke and Dave got off to a good start but a wicket in the second over put a halt to the chase. Things slowed down and although losing just one other wicket in their partnership of 38, the final score was 32 shy of what was needed.

With only half the team performing (Andrew with the ball, Matt and Sam with the bat), this was a game of missed opportunities. Chasing 160 was always going to be difficult but the boys put in a brave effort. Only 1 point was taken from the game, Sam and Matt winning the skin with their superb knock. With the season off to a 0-1 start, next week becomes important to get that first win on the board. Again at 6:00pm, get down to Windsor Gardens if you can and cheer on The Calvins in their eternal quest for glory.

Social Experiment

2006-12-01T23:28:00.000+10:30

Earlier this afternoon I conducted a random experiment on you guys, my friemds. It came out of 2 things - boredom, and having some phone credit to use up.

AIM
To investigate the response received from friends when sent a random, unprovoked friendly greeting

HYPOTHESIS
50% (10 from 20) people will respond. The responses will be varied from a greeting returned to confusion. Also expect the greeting to stimulate a conversation with at least half of the respondents. Nick will not reply.

METHOD
The experiment involved the sending of a friendly greeting - "just saying hi" - to 20 random people in my phone. Guys, girls, different friendship circles, family members.

RESULTS
Of the 20 recipients of the greeting, 14 (70%) responded, as follows:

"Hi."
"Hi!"
"Hi. Was that meant 4 me. Everything ok?"
"Cheers. Shouldnt you be working?? I AM!......Just one more sleep to a massive night. But while Im thinking you interested in golf tomorrow?"
"Ok then, hi, wat r u up 2? im just doing my last packing coz i leave 4 canada 2morrow"
"Why?"
"You're a douchebag"
"What are you on mate? what's up?"
"Hi."
"Who is it?"
"Lol has someone else got ur phone, or are u just being the lovely & friendly guy u are?"
"Hi!"
"HI SAM!"
"SORRY BUT I'VE GOT NO NAME TO GO WITH THIS NUMBER. SO WHO MIGHT I BE SAYING HEY TO?"

DISCUSSION
Of the 20 individuals who received the greeting, 14 (70%) responded with some sort of response, 4 more than hypothesised. Of those 14, 7 (1,2,3,5,9,12,13) contained a greeting back. 5 (3,4,5,8,11) contained some sort of conversation, not quite the half as hypothesised. The conversations were interesting though, ranging from a request for a leisurely hit of golf (4), to concern for my well being (3). 7 (3,5,6,8,10,11,14) of the responses contained some hint of confusion with a further 2 (7,8) containing some form of insult. Interestingly, 2 (10,14) didnt have my number in their phone casting doubt onto the friendship between us. Importantly, though, they still responded unlike the 6 others who refused to respond. One of those was Nick.

CONCLUSION
An unprovoked friendly greeting will generate a response from a fairly large number of recipients of the greeting. The responses will be varied, ranging from a returned greeting to confusion and insults. Nick will not return a friendly greeting.

2006-11-27T21:32:00.000+10:30

There are many movies i havent seen. Moulin Rouge is one of them.

I got chased by a goose today. Shouldve shown it who's boss and brought home christmas lunch for mum.

England = shit. And dont think im going to waste any time crying for a closer match next time so we get a good series. I say fuck em! smash em out the ground! Bowling Shane!

Adelaide United should stop wasting money on Brazillians, unless its for the cheerleaders oh yeah!, and spend it on developing the local talent. What a knob. A couple of good games 20 years ago doesnt give you the right to prance around. My sister has a tutu if you want it.

The State vs The Dooch

2006-11-04T11:12:00.000+10:30

Ok guys, Ive decided Im going to come clean and tell you all about how i recently got myself a criminal record. For trying to be romantic.

It was a wednesday night. After just playing indoor cricket I was travelling towards the house of a fair maiden after she had so wonderfully witnessed me self destruct in a 2 over shambles that cost my team the game. On the way we decided to pull in to a carpark and take a romantic stroll around a small lake/large pond under moonlight. Upon returning to the car (in the front seat....i know what you guys are thinking) we had been saeted for a very brief period of time when cops rock up. I wind down my window as one of the cops approaches my side of the car (very cautiuosly i might add) and told to step out of my vehicle. We comply and are told that the nearby pub has been graffitied. We are apparently the main suspects and my car is searched for any evidence. While praying that they dont find the can of blue hairspray thats been sitting in my car for almost 2 years now, the other cop starts trying to chat up my girl. Finding no evidence in the car, the Nazi that was searching my car starts interigating me and takes my details - name, addres, phone number, car rego everything. Meanwhile, the other cop does the same to my little gem as an excuse to get her phone number! Bastards! So I hit him and now have an assaulting a police officer charge as well. Just kidding. But i wanted to. As if we are the main suspects in a graffiti crime spree!

Imagine if we had been in the back seat.

The Boys Are Back In Town

2006-10-08T17:40:00.000+09:30

We're back!

Thankyou to everyone who rocked up Saturday night. What a night! If my liver wasnt hurting before, it is now. And my head certainly is. Still!. Sorry to those i didnt actually talk to about European madness but it was great to see you all again. As much as I loved travelling (and ive picked up the travelling bug now), its great to be back amongst mates. So much so I think I was kissing John. And what a kiss! The best in 3 months!
A big thankyou to Nick, cause without him my trip wouldnt have been anything like what it was. Having my wallet stolen, although a great story now, was a hassle and without Nick there to lend me money I would have been home a month and a half early. Anyway, I think a quick wrap up is required.

The Cities
Frankfurt: A great little city with greta people. First city we arrived in and not really sure what to expect but had a ball here. The soccer was awesome and some nice pubs.

Nurenburg: Not as lively as the other German cities but our first European clubbing experience was here.

Berlin: Apart from my sickness, had some good times here. Missed the final but the festivities after the third place playoff were fantastic. A nice city that will be on my list of a place to return to.

Copenhagen: First impression was it was Americanish. Great party atmosphere and the girls are brilliant though. And the erotica museum is not bad (Phatty and I got a couples discount!)

Oslo: Small but charming. Met the most beautiful girl I have ever seen just minutes after arriving. I was in love.

Stockholm: Old town section is fantastic. Found a sports pub that showed a Crows v Kangaroos footy match. As with all the Scandinavian cities, expensive.

Warsaw: Very cheap. Didnt really find much touristy stuff to do apart from things connected to the war but great cafes. Our cafe experiences were fantastic.

Krakow: One of the best places we visited. Well worth it. Great town, great people, stayed in a fantastic hostel....had an absolute ball here.

Prague: Although having my wallet stolen put a downer on the first day, I recovered and enjoyed myself. Like Poland, cheap. More of a chick city I think though. Would go back if accompanied by someone special.

Vienna: Tried some interesting versions of schnitzel here. Quite tasty. Similar to Germany in many respects. Lots of good shopping so like Prague, a good chick city.

Salzburg: Fantastic. Picturesque. Hows the serenity. Except for all the Sound of Music references everywhere quite a nice, quietish place to visit.

Munich: Was billed as a party city but a little quiet when we were there. Maybe they were just waiting for Octoberfest. Had fun still. Do want to go back there again.

Interlaken: Great place if you love adrenilen sports and the Alps. Has a bit of everything from white water rafting to skydiving to canyoning to hiking the mountains. Stayed in a great hostel. Will go back if have the money required for such a place.

Paris: Afetr reading the Da Vinci Code on a train trip not to long before arriving here, was looking forward to the times ahead. The known tourist attractions were great (maybe not the Louvre - Krystles paintings kick all the arses) and enjoyed walking around but again, though, more of a chick city. Do want to come back but with a girl.

Luxemburg City: Lovely city but not much to do. One day is sufficient.

Brugge: Had another ball here. Quite a few places seem to go off on the weekend and with their own brewery (which you can, and I did, tour), beers arent that expensive.

Amsterdam: Party town. Not much more to it. Pubs, and chicks everywhere. Not to mention druggies. Want to come back here but with a whole bunch of mates. Couldnt go wrong.

Culomberg: Cant thank Nicks cousin enough for her and her family's hospitality. Lovely, quiet town with easy access to lots of nearby towns. Enjoyed my stay immensly

Newcastle: Although one of the poorest English cities, the people are great and the city itself has a lot to offer. A nice welcome to Britain.

Edinburgh: Fantastic. Another city on the "going back to" list. Had a ball.

Inverness: Again, enjoyed my time here. A geat northern scottish town in the highlands. Our cycle to the Loch Ness Lake was the highlight. If you like things picturesque, here's where to go.

Windermere: Another beautiful, quietish town with photo opportunities of stunning scenery on every corner.

London: Great way to finish the trip. Didnt want to leave. A lot different to what Id imagined. Going back for sure. Heaps of people and cars, especially after all the bikes on mainland Europe but a happening place. Expensive but worth it.

The Girls
All European girls must be lesbians. None of them would sleep with me. However, here is how I rate them:
The Hottest: The Danish take out this honour. Never in my life have I seen so many hot girls in one place. I have always been attracted to blondes and Denmark is a good example of why. Sweden is not too far behind. Germany takes out the bronze.

The Disappointing: Was slightly disappointed with the French. Had heard many good things about these girls but they failed to make a big impression on me. Their accent though is one thing they had going for them.

The Surprise: I was very surprised with the English girls. They almost found themselves on the hottest list. Got along with them quite well, both in England and those that had ventured to mainland Europe as well. They werent absolute stunners like the Danes or Swedes but they had this quality about them. The only downfall is the English accent. Was quite annoying at times. But that didnt stop good quality conversations (on their part, my part of the conversation was probably pathetic. I do remember talking to one in Switzerland and when I asked her for the third time "so where in England are you from" I realised it was probably time to stop drinking), and having some good times. My respect for the English has risen slightly.

The Verdict: Nothing beats a good Aussie girl. It didnt matter what country I was in, it almost always ended with me talking to the Aussies at the end of the night. Maybe it was cause they were the only ones who could understand me after a few. I had no intention of wanting to meet Aussies but as nice as the fantasy (or reality for Nick!) is of meeting and falling in love with a hot European is, my personality, likes and dislikes dont sit too well with the Europeans. It was hard to find a European girl that wanted to hang out for longer than 10 minutes but the Aussies never seemed to want to leave. There was one night in Brugge (when with some Aussie and Dutch girls) where I had this big realisation that as hot as the European girls are, I was never really going to get along with them that well. Strangely, the Irish are similar to Aussies and I could perhaps settle for one of them.

Music
It wasnt often that we heard some good tunes from Down Under. The only Aussie stuff we heard was:
A Savage Garden song (twice)
a couple of ACDC songs
Shut uppa your face (I never laughed so hard when I heard it)
Land Down Under by Men At Work
An Australian Crawl song
some Creedence Clearwater but later found out they arent Australian. Nevertheless, it was funny hearing a Norwegian band to a cover of Have You Ever Seen The Rain

Scandinavia loves Bruce Springstein. Either they are just getting his last album or he has made a new one cause it was selling big over there. Love there covers also.
Bryan Adams was a favourite amongst most Europeans. In every country we visited it didnt take long to hear one of his songs. To a lesser extent, Phil Collins was popular too. I heard him in 3 months what Id heard of him in my previous 22 years of my life.

Wherever we went a lone shout of "play some Barnsey!" rose from the crowd but I was drowned out by crazy Europeans and received weird looks. Even weirder ones for "play some Choirboys!". Would it really have been that difficult to have the heavenly sounds of Khe San, Working Class Man, Flame Trees, Cheap Wine or Run To Paradise bless my ears?

The Beer
I cant give you an exact count of what I drank in the course of my jouney but anywhere between 75 to 100 different types were sampled. Although I was able to give my taste buds that "there's are party in my mouth and everyones invited" feeling in Amsterdam where the green label of a Pale Ale could be found, Belgium I think take the honours of the best beer. All their beers rated from good to absolutely fantastic. Most German beers were quite good also. The local beers of each country/city were generally soothing on the pallet and I did stick to them a bit. Im sorry John but the English beers were rubbish as were most British beers. Maybe one day Ill give a run down on each beer (the ones I can remember that is!)

Conclusion
Absolutely loved travelling. My first venture off of Aussie soil and dont regret most of it. Some things I would change (like having my bloody wallet stolen!) but so many good memories it would be hard to find fault with much. Again, a big thankyou to Nick. Will do it all again once Ive paid of all my debts and hope that many more of you will join me next time. However, until that time, look forward to many more drunken nights in Adelaide - the greatest city on earth, with the greatest beer and the greatest women.

Goodbye My Lover, Goodbye My Friend

2006-06-27T21:31:00.000+09:30

What a night! Thankyou to everyone who turned up Saturday night to wish us a happy farewell. I had a great time and Im pretty sure Nick did to.

Highlight of the night: *Shaun asking me how the lock works on my toilet door (apparently he's tired of his ass being photographed and the butt (pun very much intended) of all jokes)

*My dog beating all you soccer greats at soccer

Lowlight of the night: Nick banging on my door at 9:49am Sunday morning after Id only just got to bed about 2 hours previously.

How my mum summed up the night: "I cant believe how much Shaun ate!"

For those interested, our plane leaves at 6am Saturday morning. For those that cant make it, be sure to tune in to Hello/Goodbye.

All Aboard The Socceroo Train!

2006-06-23T23:45:00.000+09:30

We have finally done it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Against all of Urgay, all of Japan, all of Brazil, all of Croatia, 3 refs and Kalac we have finally done it!!!!!!!!!! Soccer is one of the few sports Australia has left to dominate and finally it seems we have put our name on the map. We are still a long way off becoming a dominant team but the cogs are turning and i feel a home tournament in 2018 could be our year. Now for Italy. It shouldnt be too hard, they spend most of the time rolling about on the ground crying. C'MON YOU AUSSIES!!!!!!!!!! (And Guus, when is Lazaridis going to get a run?)

After recent publishings one may presume that i am hereby jumping on the soccer world cup band wagon. However, those that know me know that i am a fan of all sports..from footy, to soccer , to coights. I have through school, socially, or at a club level played many numerous sports including that of soccer, indoor soccer, and the lesser of all soccers, table soccer. Recent publishings also suggest that i am a proud and patriotic man. I will support my city, state and country (maybe one day that will continue on to planet -bring on the galactic games!) with passion in any sport. I love the Crows. I love our Aussie cricket team. I love our Aussie soccer team. I love Australia. So I am not jumping on any bandwagon, I was already on it and have been since my love for sport began. Anyone who thinks otherwise can fuck off. I watched Australia v Iran and my heart broke. I watched Australia v Urgay and my heart broke. I watched Australia v Urgay and celebrated in the style that i do best. I am so positive Australia will do well in this world cup i have organised to be in Berlin for the final. Where will you be? So please, no more mentioning of me jumping on the bandwagon.

Good joke i heard:

A teacher was teaching her class on proper manners and etiquette. The subject today was the polite way of saying you needed to go to the toilet.
"You are out having dinner with your partner and you need to go to the toilet" the teacher scenariod "Timmy, how would you excuse yourself?"
"Sorry but i have to go take a piss" replied Timmy.
"Thats not very polite at all" the teacher said in disgust "Charlie, how would you excuse yourself?"
"Sorry,honey, but please excuse me while I go to the toilet " Charlie answered with a smile
"Thats much better Charlie but we still want to avoid the word toilet if we can. Johnny?"
To which Johnny replied "Excuse me, darling, i have to go shake hands with a dear friend of mine, whom, im hoping, you will get to meet later this evening"

Ring Bell and Run: The Dog Needs Exercise

2006-06-04T21:07:00.000+09:30

My job isnt really that interesting. In fact most of the time its quite boring, just me walking for 7-8 hours a day singing to myself (usually alright but the other day i had the unfortunate pleasure of the veronicas stuck in my head), putting up with angry dogs, and putting on a fake smile and laugh when i hear the same joke for the 100th time that day. "We havent used in electricity since last time" or "make it a small one" hahahaha yeah just for that im adding on a couple. Good on ya.

Anyways, the other day wasnt any different. In the morning i found a dog which had escaped its backyard so i rang the number on its collar (getting a kiss on the lips for my efforts....by the dog) and returned it. That added a bit of variety to the day. The following converstion i had with one bloke though really spiced up the day.

To set the scene, the property i was reading was 2 units on the one block with a long driveway down the side. As i walked up this bloke shouted out hello from the end of the driveway and helped me unlock the gate and was friendly and interested about the job. Here was there fixing the gutters on the units. By accent and looks i thought he was Greek (important to note for part of the conversation) and was aged about 60. After i read the meters we talked for a bit. Heres how some parts of the conversation went:

Harry (that was his name): How old are you mate? You look young
Me: 21.
Harry: single? married?
Me: nah single
Harry: single? why aren't you married? 21 is old enough
Me: Oh dont know just havent met the right one yet i guess
Harry: yeah yeah. When i was 21 we used to be married or we used to go down to Hindley street and we would always be able to see some pussy there! You go out much?
Me: yeah a little
Harry: see some girls on the weekend hey?
Me: yeah my weekends are pretty fun. Always a lot of nice girls about.
HArry: Gotta becareful about aids now though
Me: Yeah thats always a bit of a worry
Harry: Used to be alright and then those bloody Turks and Europeans came over and screwed everything up.

I cant remember how i responded to that and the next minute or so before he popped out with:

Harry: You been with a sheila?
ME: A sheila? yeah.
Harry: Thats the way. You seen any good sheilas walking?
Me: Yeah usually i see a few quite nice ones in my journeys but havent today. This area hasnt really been too good on the eye.
Harry: Yeah? The sheila that lives here is something to look at. You should wait till she gets home and come back. Do you see any just lying on the back lawn sunbathing?
Me: Nah havet yet its probably too cold.
Harry: Yeah summer is when they do it. You'll see heaps then!
Me: Thats what Im hoping
Harry: Yeah but not many do it anymore. You used to be able to just lay on your lawn and noone would bother you but these days too many people want to more than just look. Its not really safe
Me: Yeah its a bit sad these days about all that.

He then continued into pedophiles and the like for a few minutes.

Harry: We used to go down to the beach and if we saw a nice sheila we would go off to the toilet and (using his hand to demonstrate) have a quick wank and go back out and be alright. Now though people want to more than just look, they want a bit of a touch and feel. You dont mind talking about masterbation? Everyone does it. No point being ashamed of it.
Me: Exactly
Harry: Some idiots dont like talking about it but theres nohing wrong about it. You're young you must be doing it twice a day.
Me: (forced laughter)
Harry: Once in the morning and once in the afternoon am i right?
Me: Yeah pretty much (starting to pray that someone, anyone would ring my phone so i could just leave)
Harry: When was the last time you gave it a go? This morning?
Me: Actually havent for a few days.
Harry: A few days? You must be loaded. You'll blow big. You'll go home and do it tonight. Am I right?
Me: Quite possibly.
Harry: When was the last time you watched a XXX movie?
Me: Actually I havent for quite a while. I got a few friends with quite a collection though.
Harry: I got 3 dozen myself. From Europe. Young pretty Europeans. Cant beat them can you?
Me: No, no i dont think you can.
Harry: Im married with 2 kids but i still like to watch these things. it doesnt harm anyone. You got any brothers and sisters?
Me: Yeah a couple
Harry: You got your own room?
Me: Yeah
Harry: VCR?
Me: No i dont have a TV in my room
Harry: Thats a same i could've given you a couple of vidoes to take home
Me: oh well
Harry: What type do you like? Watching guys wank, guys and girls or just girls?
Me: Well im always a fan when girls are involved.
Harry: You dont like watching guys with big cocks?
Me: Errr...
Harry: I like watching a guy with a big cock just wanking and blowing everywhere. Am i right?
Me: Errr...
Harry: How big are you?
Me: Errr...
Harry: Im small thats why i like watching big cocks.
Me: Well ive never actually measured it.
Harry: Come on! Everyone knows
Me: I guess its probably about average
Harry: What 5 inches? (making measurement with his hands)
Me: Well a bit bigger than that.
Harry: So like 6 or 7
Me: (humouring him while taking step back) Yeah probably
Harry: Thats just how you want it. Girls love 'em that size. Fit just nicely
Me: They certainly do (another step)
Harry: You cum deep inside? My wife loves it when i cum deep inside her. I ask her why and she just laughs but they love it. You ever licked a pussy?
Me: Yeah yeah quite enjoyable. Gotta give a little back (and another)
Harry: Thats it. Give a little to them every now and again and they'll continue to do things for you. Even talkign about it gets you horny doesn't it
Me: Errr...
Harry: C'mon. You're going to go home and blow aren't you. You cum on your stomach?
Me: Errr...
Harry: Or do you blow out? How far do you blow (gesturing distance)?
Me: (running back down driveway at full pelt)

About 5 minutes too late i think.

That day was also the day i almost burst my bladder. Ive never had to go to the toilet as much as i did that afternoon. It felt that good when i finally managed to relieve myself that i couldnt stop smiling.

Some people are really nice. The other day this old lady gave me a packet of Tim Tams and a can of coke because "you're such a lovely boy!...your blonde hair, such a lovely boy!" And i didnt even read her meter, i was doing the other side of the road!

Things i have learnt meter reading:
1) flurescent yellow is to dogs as red is to bulls
2) cats are frightened of flurescent yellow or think its their kitty litter
3) "Im here to read the meter" doesnt have the same effect on hot mums as "Im here to clean the pool"

Ive Sobered Up

2006-05-29T22:46:00.000+09:30

But Im not apologising. I stand by my comments.

What i was trying to say early on was we shouldnt conform to something just because everyone else is doing it. The examples i used were to show that same things go by different names depending on where you are. A bit like every country having its own language. So what if its called soccer here? Its what we know it as just like we know footy as Aussie Rules. Just like the Irish have Gaelic footy and the Americans American footy. We have Aussie Rules footy. Footy is the number 1 sport in Australia and will probably remain that way for many years to come. Soccer is on the increase but it will take a while before it overtakes football, if it ever will.

Perhaps I was a bit harsh with the go home if you are not going to barrack for Australia comments. I half wrote it knowing I would get a response (which it did…nothing like a bit of racial banter to stir up feelings). The other half I wrote out of anger because there has been all this hype about Australia finally making the world cup and some people I know were slagging the aussie team cause they (in their opinion) arent going to do well so they are going to cheer for their country of heritage, all so they can dump shit on us when “their” team does better, which i doubt they will even do. I just find that appalling. Here they were cheering on Australia to beat Urgay and how soccer is the greatest sport in the world (their opinion, not mine) and how soccer in Australia is now going to take off. And now they don’t want a part of it. I coach (assistant) an under 15 footy side – 3 weeks ago we lost by 40 goals, 2 weeks ago by 35 goals. Both games we only just had the number of players to field a full side. Last week we didn’t have a full team but they didn’t want to forfeit, they wanted to play. And we only lost by 20 goals. They turn up and train every week and eagerly await the game. If it weren’t for illness keeping a few players out we would have given the other team a good run for its money. Its called spirit. Something this person obviously doesn’t have. Not surprising considering they are a soccer fan.

As for footy commentators, couldnt agree with you more Rob. Todays commentators are shit. The only reason they have the job is because they used to play the game or have one-liners (eg. "cenimetre perfect - Dennis Commetti). Most are in fact quite boring and give no real insight or passion to the game. Expert or special commentators my arse. They have simply tried to imitate the American style of commentating which is to provide entertainment. Gary Lyon is the only TV commentator I enjoy listening to. Dennis Commetti is good but has been influenced over the last dew years by his channel 9 counterparts and has slipped. Anthony Hudson provides passion but it sounds forced or trying at times. The radio is a much better alternative, although biased. Passion is certainly not lost. Next year Bruce McAvaney will grace our screens and the worlds greatest commentator will again be ours to listen to.

Hoogster, I wouldn’t wipe my arse with the page of the paper cause you cant wipe away shit with shit. Take the poll in Adelaide last September a week before the Crows played the Power in the Semifinal. A much different result it would have been (Probably about 90%-10% in favour of footy). Take it in this September, a different result again. Take it in 5 weeks and the soccer percentage will probably be higher. And who says Victoria is the home of AFL? Maybe they do and maybe they used to be. But not anymore. It is truly a national game. In the last 10 years, 7 grand finals have been won by a team outside of Victoria. Also, where was the last Australian soccer match played? Victoria. All that hype will have influenced the result. Im not saying soccer isn’t interesting. Because it is. Do you forget the star striker of our year 7 team? There has been a lot of talk about the negativity of footy these days. And maybe half the games are “boring”. But what about the other half. Nothing has been said about the Collingwood v Bulldogs game last week. It was a beauty. And in all fairness it is hard to call the Australia v Greece game interesting. I don’t know what the fuck you were watching. Spectacular goal and Australia were tactically brilliant but I found the FA cup final was a lot more exciting even though I couldn’t care who won that. And what you talk about with astute coaches can be said with the AFL. Richmond (paying $5.75) beat Adelaide (paying $1.20) through a plan the coach devised and the players carried out to perfection. It’s the same with all sports.

And here’s something to make the world cup a bit more exciting. Im willing to wager with you all that my country of heritage (Australia) will make it further than yours. If each put in, say $10, winner to take all who’s in? Nick, you have the dutch, Emil the croats, John England, Rob Italy and anyone else is welcome. Except Shaun. Sorry mate but India didn’t quite make it.

Aussie Aussie Aussie Oi Oi Oi

2006-05-27T01:04:00.000+09:30

I may currently be a little drunk but i feel that if i dont say it now then i probly wont.

Soccer in Australia is called soccer and SBS and other European fags should stop trying to call it football. There is only one footy in Straya and that is Aussie Rules. "But football is the international name" i hear your dirty scum say. NOT IN AUSTRALIA ITS NOT. Its called soccer. Why should we call it football just because most other places call it so? We call lollies lollies. England call lollies sweets. The United States call lollies candy. I dont see you European 'i tripped over my own feet im going to hold my head' faggots winging about lollies being changed to an international name. And what about the yiros? Its called a kebab in the eastern staes! If we cant give a tasty 4 am food snack the same name in our own country there is no reason we should change soccer to football. We already have a football and its the best darn sport on this planet and any other planet that may or may not have (are you a scientologist?) life on it. And we're call ed the Socceroos. Lets just change the whole fabric of sport as we know it just because others call it something else. I dont think so.

With the wold cup coming up I expect all to barrac k for Australia and Australia only. If you are going to barrack for your "home" country then pack your bags and go home. You are now an Australian and anything else will not be tolerated. Sure you can, like me, watch and be interested in the other games but John if I hear one positive remark about the English soccer team (Rooney - Waaaah Im not going to miss a dick like him) I will disown you as a friend and report you to imigration. The same for you Nick and the dutch, Emil and the croats and any other of you guys (whch seems to be most of you) that claim to have overseas heritage. If you dont like Australia then get out the country. Pack your bags and leave, we will be better off without you. Ill wave goodbye from the beach.

Im Going To Europe In The Back Of A China Plane!

2006-05-16T14:34:00.000+09:30

Thats right folks, it has finally been done. Myself Hoogster and Phatty T are of to a land of mystery and adventure. And you know what that means....massive going away party!!!!

It has long been a dream of mine to just pack my bags, jump on a plane and backpack the culturaly rich continant that we know today as Europe. Why Im not really sure. Ill probably end seeing the Mona Lisa but to me its just a painting. I may have slept through the history lesson (dreaming of Lisa moaning) where it was explained why that painting is famous but its just a woman painted by Leonardo the Ninja Turtle so why the fanfare? The same with that naked statue of David painted by Michaelangelo the Ninja Turtle. Im not going for the culture. I want to see the Alps, the Tour de France, that light effect in the sky in very Northern Norway. And along the way if I see German boobs, Danish boobs, Norwegian boobs, Swedish boobs, Finnish boobs, Polish boobs, Czech boobs, Austrian boobs, Swiss boobs, French boobs, Belgium boobs, Dutch boobs, Luxemberg boobs, English boobs, Scottish boobs, Irish boobs, Spanish boobs, Andoran boobs well thats just a bonus. I would also like to place $1 in a Swiss bank account just so I can say I have a swiss bank account.

I love camping and have travelled most of Australia in doing so. Most of that has been with good mate and long time good guy Hoogster. Now its time for me to spread my wings and see the rest of the world (Ive never been overseas) and Hoogster is the obvious mate to do it with. Phatty is also a very welcome addition as 3 makes it a party. It also comes at a good time as I guess Ive spent the last 2 years treading water in what i want to do in life. Last year was a struggle for me to finish uni (we had this one major assignment that most the people spent 5 weeks doing 50-70 pages of work on. I, in true Samadoochi fashion, spent one night working on it producing a final copy of 30 pages, including about 10 of those containing full page diagrams/tables) and this year Ive tried to do a lot of soul searching in what I want to do. Ive ended up as a meter reader for ETSA.

But at least Ive got a fair idea of what I want now. I want to go to Europe and just have 3 months of non stop fun with good mates. After that I want to go to Africa (I saw this great documentary about this guy raising ophaned cheetahs and I thought that would be awesome - the African wildlife has fascinated me since I could walk) and after that the Amazon. Those 2 places really show the beauty and wonder of Mother Nature and it would be amazing to be able to go over and live/study for a while. They may be dreams, big dreams, but without dreams we have nothing to strive for (write that last one down kids thats a good one).

Hmmm, ive seem to have rambled on a bit. This was supposed to be a short, quick one. I guess the point is IM GOING TO EUROPE!!!!!!!!!! We leave July 1st so you dont have long to get your goodbyes in. Lucky we are planning a 'see ya in 3 months' party. June 24th looks like the best time for it so keep it free and watch this space.

P.S. Also watch the local messenger...ill be in it!!

P.P.S. For all those who have asked for my exerise scientist expertise, become a meter reader. Ive lost 5kg since the start of the year and now weigh in at a lean yet muscular 74kg. And when I flex my calf muscles with my leg tilted just the right way there is a clear distiction between the gastrocnemius and soleus muscles rather than the 2 moulded into one. And with my torso/midriff/abs of steel looking better than ever (you can almost make out the beginnings of a 6 pack) this man is feeling fit!

As One Door Closes, Another Door Opens

2006-04-15T13:47:00.000+09:30

Again apologies for lack of insighfulness into the realms of samadoochi but my computer is still out of comission and that is why im spending easter saturday in a uni computer pool.

As most of you know i am now a qualified break and enterer, i have a legal right to enter anyones property. Pity the dogs dont undstand. Ive been bitten twice! In just four weeks! And only avoided a third because i jumped over the dog. The first was a little dog, not unlike Joby, who gave a little nip on my ankle. It hurt a little but left no mark so i couldnt sue. The owner was there as well so i couldnt kick the little shit...zu over the fence**. The second was this larger dog got its head under the fence and got my shoe. Lucky it missed foot and this time i did kick the little shit..zu** Aprt from that the job is ok. Walking is getting me fit. My body is slowly turning back into the lean mean well oiled machine it once was (they gave me a size 36 shorts, way too big to begin with, but the waistline is now around my knees so i have to wear a belt). "7 hours?" i hear you ask. "How can a man go so long without a toilet break?" Well saMANdoochi can. Second only behind Hoogster for the largest bladder in western society (that man takes 7 minutes to empty his). And if i cant i just find a nice wall down the side of someones house.

In footy news, I was required to wear blue shorts in a recent match. The only blue footy shorts i owned were from undre 17 days. I wasnt about to buy a new pair cause the association was bringing out new shorts but werent available yet and i would have to buy them so i wasnt about to buy a plain pair i would wear once. Which meant i had to squeeze into my under 17 shorts. Lets just say i couldve been mistaken for playing in the 80's. I looked like Capper. samadoooooooooochi!!!!!!!!!!!!

In sadder news, Walrus the Gentle passed away recently. Is flightlessness finally caught up with him as i think he fell one to many times. He was a favourite and will be missed. Rest in peace, mate. Rest in peace.

Oh and I recently graduated!! Ive finished uni!!!!!

** - editors note: I would like to point out that samadoochi, as you are all aware, is very much one with nature and would not in anyway hurt a dog or any animal. He has on numerous occassions been told he is an uncoordinated walker as he will often in mid stride try and place his foot somewhere else after noticing he is about to tread on ants or other insects that travel underfoot. His reference to the misreating of dogs was simply an attempt at humour.

The Land Not Before Time

2006-03-06T19:33:00.000+10:30

Its a bit late I know and apologoes. My dad somehow managed to delete the internet or something from our computer and now we cant access internet. So Im spending my Sunday at the Magill computer pools with about 17 asians boning up on the 2008 medicine exams.

Anyways, the story i was gonna talk about is past its time. But in short i have lived out a dream. I, along with Strucky and Maccatak, ran naked across Adelaide Oval! (and by naked i mean i couldve tea bagged the pitch - which im glad i didnt because it was so hard i would have grazed my nutsac). And then someone ruined the fun and stole our clothes. Good times, good times.

Ive finished my first week in my new job. All i had to do was walk a total of about 50km in 30+ degree heat all week. For those that dont know i am a meter reader for etsa. On thursaday i read emils meter - mate you should cut back on your porn watching you use way too much electricity. No dog stories to tell about yet. The closest i got is about 1m from a big rottweiler with nothing between us. I think it ran away from the stink after i shat myself.

Cordial…Nature’s Way Of Flavouring Water

2006-02-28T15:20:00.000+10:30

Firstly, Tasting Johnnie = what a night! I had a great time so thankyou to everyone who was present, especially Hoogster for organising it all. For those that didn’t make it, shame on you. You missed out. And I do apologise to anyone who had anxiety attacks over the bar mat incident….next time ill wrap it around my leg or something so I can lift my shirt in pride (by the way, does a bouncer have any authority in demanding us to lift our shirts? If we were girls would he have done the same?)

Anyways, to what I really wanted to discuss. South Australia. In terms of sport, our great state is not far off being renamed Greg Norman. The last few years have seen our sporting sides dominate but fail when it really counts, choke if you will, ala Greg Norman’s famous choking incident which, unfortunately, he is remembered for almost more than his good golfing.

Adelaide United was by far the stand out team of the new soccer league and yet bowed out in straight sets. Just moments earlier the Redbacks failed to capitalise on a fantastic season (but it was close….anyone who witnessed Tait’s bowling will be sure to remember it for years to come and he must surely get to don the baggy green very soon). Last season the Adelaide Crows finished top of the table but lost the first final to St Kilda, meaning they had to travel to Perth were they lost again, missing out on the Grand Final (at least we got to thrash Port in the process). Port Adelaide did the same for a couple of seasons. Brisbane will be remembered for winning 3 GF’s in a row but it should have been Port who claimed the three-peat (although a passionate Crows supporter and laughing at the Port debacle, my South Aussie pride thinks that Queensland is shit (Hoogster, remember when we stood in SA and pissed into Queensland hahaha!) and no team from there should hold such a title).

So we have United faltering, Redbacks faltering, Crows faltering, Power faltering. Last year our greatest export Hewitt had his moment in the sun reaching the final of the Australian Open but faltered against Safin. Our netballers have faltered. The 36’ers, although they didn’t finish top, had a very poor end to what was a very good season. Greg Normans we may be.

However, one feels that this year could be our year. The Crows are in good form (GO THE CROWS!!!! Another thumping of Port hahaha!) and one thinks that the disappointment of last year will spur them on the bigger and better things this season. United will no doubt come back stronger (Rech must be catching the eye of the Brazilian coach). And the Redbacks still have the Pura Cup ahead of them.

In other news, the Norwood Food and Wine Festival was fantastic. Although I was there for business and not pleasure I did get to take in the atmosphere. Summer, it does bring out the breast eh I mean best in females. And the food was good. The music wasn’t. Here is a cut from one young band:

“There is no bathroom, there is no sink.
The water from the tap is hard to drink
HARD TO DRINK”

The first 2 lines were sung in almost a romantic love song way, the last line in a hadbanging heavy metal way. I didn’t hang around to find out whether they were referring to the place of residents or if it was some sort of metaphor.

One of you has stolen the bar mat. Lift your shirts. Hahaha sucked in faggot its in the toilet!

2006-02-09T15:30:00.000+10:30

Once upon a time there was a sperm named Stanley. Stanley was a very healthy sperm. Hed do push ups and somersaults and limber himself up all the time while the other sperm just lay around on their fat asses not doing a thing.

One day, one of them became curious enough to ask Stanley why he excersised all day.

Stanley said "look pal, only one sperm gets a woman pregnant and when the time comes,I am going to be that one"

A few days later, they all felt themselves getting hotter and hotter, and they knew it was getting to be their time to go. They were realeased abruptly and , sure enough, there was Stanley swimming out of sight of all the others.

All of a sudden, Stanley stopped, turned round, and began to swim back with al his might. :Go back! Go back!" he shouted "Its a blowjob!"

A National Shame

2006-02-01T22:58:00.000+10:30

Firstly, I must apologise for the following rant being slightly outdated but my internet has been down for the last week or so. Nonetheless, my feelings are still strong (and I apologise for some word choice) and I feel that the people that have disgraced this fair country of ours must be made accountable.

I had the privilege of going to the Australia day cricket match of Australia v Sri Lanka, my first experience of an international one day match. I have been to many Adelaide Oval test matches (this years was the first in 8 years that I missed) but it isn’t the same. Needless to say I was very excited. However, the game was a dud but I still enjoyed myself mainly owing to the mad adventures on the hill. The game should have been so much better, though, and this is where my tirade begins.

Had Sir Wankas not batted so poorly maybe things would have been different but at the moment I think the Australian cricket team is an absolute disgrace. The performance they showed that day was a dishonour to all fans and Adelaidians alike. The match played on Australia day was without its captain, Ricky Ponting. On the one day that you think you would feel most proud to don the green and gold, and Ponting decides to take a rest. On Australia Day. “I don’t feel like playing for Australia on Australia Day” That’s not a direct quote but pretty close im sure. What a mother fucking soft cock. “Ive played about 30 days of cricket in the last 4 months, Im tired” (again not a direct quote). Fuck off you stupid granny fucker. You cant ring in sick when playing for Australia, especially when you are in a position to have many breaks and travel the world. His current form would make him the worlds best player at the moment and that’s what I wanted to see. And the problem is Ponting is not the only one. The whole Australian side has this resting policy. Resting from what? They play about 2 games a week for about 2 months. Brett Lee and Andrew Symonds are the only players I have respect for. Both have said they will not rest and want to play every game Australia plays. They should be applauded. Simon Katich also doesn’t want to rest but hes a knobdoctor anyway. And the reason for the rest policy = want to keep players right for the world cup. The world cup is still over 12 months away! And the players they are replacing the “rested” players with they want to look at for the world cup. That is Brad Hodge and that really tall, unko looking guy from Western Australia. WHAT ABOUT THAT YOUTH POLICY YOU WERE ENFORCING WHEN YOU GOT RID OF BOOF YOU DONKEY RAPING FUCKERS? IF BOOF WAS PLAYING THE ASHES WE WOULD HAVE WON! But no, hes not from NSW. And maybe that’s why Cosgrove cant get in the team. Someone who is averaging 90 in the national competition isn’t good enough? FUCKERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The current Australian bowling line up consists of 4 New South Welshmen. Now, if they were to play for NSW, with Stuart Magill in that side, one of them would be dropped. That means Australia is currently playing someone who wouldn’t make a full strength state side. How does that work? Stuart Clark should not be playing. Nathan Bracken should not be playing. Hodge should not be playing. Katich, maybe. I hope Watson doesn’t come straight back into the side when he recovers because he can hardly make it in the national competition but still gets picked for Australia! “We’re trying to get him to the standard needed” (that’s an almost direct quote). That’s what the national competition is for. They play well there, they play for Australia. Not so. An absolute disgrace and a sham. This youth policy they keep talking about is a sham. Hodge made his debut 2 games ago and hes over 30. As was Jacques. Cosgrove should be playing. We have a 21 year old natural who continues to get overlooked.

Anyways, all I know is if I was privileged enough to represent my family, state and country in anything I would represent it with pride and not be a mother fucking soft cock about it. Especially on the day we celebrate being Australian. But that’s just me. Maybe cricketers think differently. Maybe Ponting failed to duck one to many bouncers. Maybe Trevor Hohns is a fuckwit. No wait, there’s no maybe about that one.

Im still going to support Australia and I hope they put the Lankans and the South Africans back on the leaky boat they came out here on. I have been fortunate enough to grow up and witness some of Australias finest cricket. From when Allan Border was captain to the end of Steve Waugh. Now most of Australias cricketers are a bunch of fags. It hurts me to say so but I could forgive Australia for giving up the next year and getting rid of all the fags (eg. Ponting, Gilchist, Hodge, Hogg, Bracken, McGrath, Clark). The current team lost to Bangladesh only about 6 months ago. Bangladesh! So whats the difference then if we actually enforce this youth policy we hear so often about to get rid of the has beens.

Australia Day is about showing how much pride you have for Australia. Ponting failed. The Australian cricket team failed. Its about time they stopped crying to the Whaaaaaambulance and grew some balls.

That Darn Cyclist!

2006-01-25T10:06:00.000+10:30

Sorry I haven’t gotten round to it earlier (Ive been watching the Victoria Secret Parade and the Sharapova v Hantuchova tennis match....oooh yeah!) but hear is a brief recollection of Round 4 of the Eastern Suburbs Poker Tour.

The stage was set for a big one and all players settled down for a long night ahead, pumped and eager to continue the Tour into 2006. After early rumours of a Phatty T scratching, the favourite made an appearance, a benefit to the game and fans alike. Wariness surrounded Jason and his last Tour appearance victory but all eyes were on newcomer Rob making his much anticipated debet.

There was once again a joyous atmosphere pre-match, with Emil once more bringing a much loved after dinner snack prepared by his mum. The game didn’t start till late, however, with Rob deciding to BBQ half a cow in preparation for the night.

The night got off to a steady start with Thearley dominating early, a sight uncommon so far on the Tour. With Thearley winning every second hand, the early highlight was Robs attempt to form a straight using K-A-2. This unfortunate error let the debutant very lightly stacked and it looked like he was headed for an early exit. However, he was able to hang on for a few hands and watch Phatty T succumb to his Samadoochi table blues, the first to bow out. Hoogster was quick to follow, losing with what he and others thought was a winning hand only to rapidly spiral downward into a depressive state when someone piped up that he, with his 2 pair, was actually a loser against Emils flush (who had no idea he had it). Robs attempts to just hang in there soon failed and he was left stranded, and not long after Jason followed, unable to match his previous rounds efforts.

3 that left, yes it did, Thearley, Samadoochi and Emil. As Dirty Sanchez played in the background, the 3 buckled down determined - Emil determined to beat his previous 2nd at this table, Thearley determined to take out the event after his previous unfortunate runs, Samadoochi determined to finally go that one step further. Dirty Sanchez must have got to Emil, throwing his chips and bowing out, leaving Samadoochi with a chip lead over Thearley. A brave battle followed, both pokies sweating under the immense pressure each was applying to the other. But in the end Samadoochi reigned supreme, finally breaking through for his first win on the Tour but recognising and respecting Thealey, who finally has come to the party.

Post-match antics again followed. Thearley fell off a moving car but the highlight of the night had to be that darn cyclist. That’s right, once again as the Tour ran onto the street in a becoming traditional undie-run, a cyclist rode past. And waved! Good times, good times.

Anyways, the honour roll is as follows:

Round 1 winner: Phatty T
Round 2 winner: Jason
Round 3 winner: Phatty T
Round 4 winner: Samadoochi

And the overall standings is as follows:

Samadoochi 27
Thearley 21
Phatty T 20.5
Hoogster 18.5
Emil 17
Jason 13
Edgy 5
Rob 4

We have so far raised about 1/4 of the funds we are hoping to get. If we have a tournament every 3 or 4 weeks we should reach our target by the end of the year. So whenever someone is up for hosting one just let everyone else know.

2006: Year Of The Sam

2006-01-13T14:51:00.000+10:30

The 15th night of the year 2006 brings the Eastern Suburbs Poker Tour back to life! After a successful previous 3 rounds, the Tour returns to the land of Samadoochi in a much anticipated 4th round. Who is in? Who is out? Who are the form players?

HOOGSTER
Played a very aggressive and successful first round of the Tour but since has been a little conservative. His third placing in the 3rd round gives him 2 top 3 finishes and has lifted him to third in the overall standings, just 4 points shy of second. However, unless the lucky Dutchman partakes in the traditional after match undie run, Hoogster could soon find himself disqualified from the Tour. But, with a poker face only a mother could love, one feels that a poker night will soon be flopping his way.

EMIL
Mixed fortunes so far for the ‘Crazy Croat’. After missing the first round, he pulled off an unexpected second place before a lackluster fifth at the most recent event. Sitting towards the rear of the overall standings, a win would be very useful. Familiar with the Samadoochi table, confidence will be high. Whatever happens though, it is certain he will come away with a smile on his face and will lead the troops in the post match entertainment.

JASON
Only participated in one of the three tournaments so far but pulled off a very powerful victory. Funnily enough, it was at the same table as the one that will be played on Sunday night. In round 2, others came away feeling the wrath of what they described as “beginners luck” but if underestimated come match time, Jason will again come away with victory. His commanding play, including the direct knock outs of 5 fellow combatants, says he is one to be reckoned with.

THEARLEY
The ex-Englishman but now Aussie barracker has so far yet to make his mark on the Tour. Has faced early exits in all three rounds, suggesting he may lack the killer instinct all good poker players possess. Or it may just be that Thearley enjoys the plentiful beverages available on such nights. Whatever the reason, one can be rest assured that an abundance of laughs will be provided, some at but most with the colourful character.

SAMADOOCHI
The most consistent player so far with two thirds and a second to his name, enabling for a very slight lead (half a point) at the top of the table. However, one has to question wether his game has what it takes to actually win an event. And with home table advantage yet to prove its worth on the Tour, it seems likely victory will again slip away from the blonde star and all round nice guy. Top three is best bet for willing punters.

ROB
So far unseen on the Tour but by all reports very keen to make his debut. Little is known about his poker skills but a slight murmur has done the rounds in the Tour circles about keeping a watchful eye on the man hailing from the Vista. And with beginners luck on his side, it’s very likely to see him still there at the end.

PHATTY T
The form player of the Tour and the one girls come to see. Has won 2 of the 3 tournaments so far and sits just half a point behind in second overall. His last trip to the Samadoochi table didn’t last long, his full house losing to 4 of a kind. But apart from that one hand of bad luck, Phatty has taken the Tour by storm. However, it seems as though Phatty will miss the 4th round, a blow to organisers and fans alike. Fellow players, on the other hand, are rejoicing after hearing the news as it means victory is up for grabs. A definite chance for others to peform.

Who knows what’s in store for the big night. Maybe another cyclist? Maybe a surprise victory? Whatever it is, start preparing your poker faces, the Eastern Suburbs Poker Tour is back!

One Big Ball of A Grade Cuteness

2005-10-21T00:30:00.000+09:30

I haven’t talked about much lately, mainly due to a busy uni schedule (I finish in 4 weeks!!!!!!) but I also haven’t really had much to talk about. But I’m going to take you back a week, a week to last Friday, a day that will remain in memories for many a time to come.

Most mornings I wake and welcome in the new day with a smile wondering what the day will bring. Little did I know that today was going to go as it did. On this morning my smile was greater than usual and the next 45 minutes one could perhaps only describe as heavenly. Although slightly tired, I went off to uni feeling quite peachy and energised, ready for the 3 hours of coaching sessions that were to follow. Part of my Coaching Principles course involves each person conducting a 30 minute coaching session for the group. The thought that I still had another week until I was scrutinised over my coaching ways was relaxing and the softball, soccer, and netball sessions that I participated in were quite enjoyable. Then came some surprising news. I was in fact due to coach today. Confusion was soon overtaken by panic but with the exquisite skill of quick thinking that I possess I was able to create and conduct my football (aussie rules) session with the excitement and fervour that only I could. All in all, it went quite well. It will not be long before my coaching skills will take the Stradbroke School year 6 netball team to that one big last Saturday in September. Well, maybe that one big Friday evening of term 4.

But onto what Friday was really all about – the second round of the Eastern Suburbs Poker Tour.

The night started with a BBQ consisting of some of the finest sausages, chops, chicken and those things I can’t pronounce that has ever been BBQ’d and consumed. Possibly because the BBQ did not explode, catch fire, or singe any eye brows for the first time in 2 years, possibly because Andymanx and Edgy were not involved in the cooking process and I was in charge of onion, not Hoogster.

Once everyone had eaten (and farted) as much as they could, the real reason 7 people were gathered in the one room commenced. The 4 players represented in the first round (myself, Hoogster, Thearley and Phatty T) were all present along with 3 new faces (Edgy, Emil and Jason), promising one big night was in store. As the alcohol flowed and the hands were folded it became clear that the newcomers were riding the ‘beginners luck’ theory, throwing caution to the wind and on most occasions coming up trumps. It was most frustrating for Phatty and Hoogster who both found their chips dwindling, a stark contrast to round 1 when they were battling it out for the victory. With one well played hand (or pure luck as Hoogster and Phatty will protest) Jason delivered the final blow, his full house knocking the round 1 heroes out of the competition.

Thearley, too, was finding the going tough but a determined effort saw him fight back, however his struggles were in vain. Soon after the departure of the previous 2, Thearley’s demise was all too painful to watch. As with his round 1 exit, lady luck wasn’t by his side and the cry of “adios” soon left the mouth of the English lad. This left myself to fly the flag the original 4 pride. Surely the 3 newcomers couldn’t take out the top 3 spots.

By now the drinks were flowing freely and the concentration needed to make final 3 was immense. Maybe a tactic, Edgy had only consumed soft drink and Emil, known for his excessive drinking, was still only on his second bottle of Coldies. The 2 six packs he walked through the door with looked like a ploy to catch others off their guard but it was soon obvious he was getting stuck into the vodkas. With over the top bets and a face that said “I’m bluffing”, it looked like the end for Croatia’s favourite export yet for every hand he lost, he somehow managed to win it back. In the end it was the soft drinking Edgy who bowed out in a respectable 4th place. Blaming his recurring knee problem, the last few hands were thrown away, leaving Jason with piles.

Jason also had the largest pile of chips, the clear chip leader over Emil and myself, now struggling under the pressures of top 3. By now the night was wearing on, the competition entering its 4th hour. Having to do something dramatic to make an indentation into Jason’s chips, all-in was called but, alas, the generous host found himself finishing in 3rd, leaving Jason and Emil to duel it out in a battle to the death. And the death came quickly for the undermanned Emil, Jason outnumbering Emil by at least 10 to 1. The camera was out and the happy victor was all too keen to be photographed with his winnings.

After congratulatory handshakes and celebrations, quick calculations were made to the Tour league standings. With points awarded from 7 to 1 depending on round ranking, the standings were shaken up a bit, resulting in the following:

Samadoochi - 10
Phatty T - 9
Hoogster - 8
Jason - 7
Thearley - 7
Emil - 6
Edgy - 4

With the formal part of the night out of the way and done with it was time to party! The music cranked up, the drinks continued to flow (including a bottle of Elijah Craig –one of the finest alcoholic beverages I have tasted) and it wasn’t long before a huddle was made and the words to Wonderwall were sang loud and proud, in similar fashion to that of 500 Miles (could this perhaps be the start of a new tradition?).

As the night moved along a buzz filled the room as excitement grew in the news that Phatty T had indeed invited his lady friend over. But after it became clear he was not inviting her inside and was instead inviting himself into her car which was not leaving the parking space out the front of the house, something had to be done. That something was the dropping of the pants and the running down the street, in particular around the car. Now this brings up one of life’s great mysteries. One could say it was just bad timing, another just was of those things that happen in life that can’t be explained. Whatever it was, the chances of 4 young men running down the street with pants below the knees at the same time a cyclist cycles down the street in the opposite direction would have to be minimal. Especially considering that the street is a cul-de-sac. To say who was more surprised at seeing the other is anyone’s guess.
Back inside, Phatty T was given 15 minutes before another run would commence. Sure enough, 15 minutes later the young men left the safe sanctuary of the house for the second time but this time carrying a football, and pants and tops completely removed. With only underwear protecting their pride from the cold air, the football was passed around in a joyful manner. As happy as I was to see Thearley finally succumbing to the pull of the Australian game, something was strange about the way he kicked the footy. It wasn’t his action, I soon realised, but the fact that he appeared nude. Was Thearley starkers? I’m sure I saw him with undies. A closer inspection was needed and thankfully it revealed that no, he wasn’t running around bare, but was wearing yellow undies, yellow undies that in the night blended into his skin as though one.

The scene from inside the car must have been sore on the eyes as soon the car was driving down the street, the 4 young men in hot pursuit. With the car eventually leaving sight there was nothing to do but head back inside. Laughs, and apologies (Phatty we are very sorry), followed.

And so ended the night that will forever be instilled in the memories of those who were there. This night will become folklore, legend, and eventually myth to all those in search of the perfect night with mates.

Power to the Feet

2005-09-20T23:44:00.000+09:30

Just wonderng if anyone can tell me why there are so many shoes on power lines lately. My 6km drive to work involves driving under at least 5 pairs of shoes stuck on power lines. Not just one - the pair of them. Fair throw that.

Look, Daddy, a whale egg!

2005-09-11T23:17:00.000+09:30

Ah springtime is here. Blossoms are blooming, lawns are being mowed, footy finals fever has hit and birds are having sex with bees or so I’m led to believe. But now I’m at an age where I can question whether birds and bees can have sex with each other. Anatomically they are different and size must matter here. Plus the female worker bees don’t mate, only the Queen bees with what must be male birds so are there male bees to mate with female birds?

The answer must be yes. My female budgies have been up to all sorts of monkey business. The little bundle that is Wirruna and Little Chief’s creation escaped the confinements of the nesting box and took its first flight yesterday morning. I am unable to determine whether it is male or female yet but it is taking after father colour wise - a white face and wings with a beautiful sky blue front. And it took to its surroundings like the Brookstar took to his Norwegian exchange student lady friend – with hesitation, caution but finally gusto.

And to add to the thrill that is parenting, the other female resident (for which I still haven’t named – ideas? She’s is a pretty purple) hatched a youngling last Wednesday and another on Friday. Awwww they look so cute. Cant work out who the father is though. Initially Hansbert was spending a lot of time with her but now he doesn’t seem interested (done the deed and left?) and Pirate is very interested in the going ons. But can one-legged budgies mate? Maybe Little Chief is just getting around the avairy, a bit like Hoogster and Bilo.

Imagine the zoo right now. Keep the kids away!

The $1,000,000 Question

2005-08-26T20:12:00.000+09:30

What gets smaller the more you put into it?

Saturday Spectacular

2005-08-14T23:54:00.000+09:30

Ever had one of those days where you just wake up and you know it’s going to be great? Not a good day, not just a good morning or looking forward to a good night but a whole day of greatness. Maybe it was the week long excitement of waiting for this day, maybe it was the recovery of the flu but whatever it as I woke up yesterday morning and felt great. And the feeling didn’t disappear. It started with a truly wonderful sleep, the only real sleep I had for over a week, what with the flu, work and uni. What was to follow may seem insignificant to those unfortunate enough to have the disability of not liking/caring about football and to those I pity.
Breakfast was as per usual for a Saturday – Weet-Bix (slightly warmed), a banana and a glass of orange juice. Then off to football for the last match of the season. Now I haven’t mentioned my footballing exploits much on here and that’s because there hasn’t been much to talk about. Up till Saturday, my team (C grade) had only won one game previous, the game I missed attending Andymanx’s engagement party. So I didn’t partake in that win. And when I recently got the call up to B grade, a team that hadn’t lost a game all season, they lost so I didn’t get a win there (and was dropped back to C grade the following week). Add missed weeks for some injuries and a couple of holidays (one to the Murray as previously mentioned and one just recently to the Gold Coast which I haven’t mentioned but will now – awesome, Dreamworld = have to go there) and my season hadn’t really been a good one. But for this game I was feeling great and nothing was going to stop me winning my first game of the season, even if it was the last. And we won. I even kicked a goal just seconds before the final siren (after taking a courageous mark) to top off my best game for the season. The highlight, though, was being told by the boundary umpire – a kid who plays in the under 11’s for the club – “when I grow up I want to play like you”. That was about halfway through the last quarter and it almost brought a tear to my eye. I have tried for so long to inspire and received nothing back but laughs but here is a young lad with dreams of playing like me. I couldn’t stay long after the game unfortunately so just a few quick beers, some thankyous and goodbyes and I was off home knowing people were waiting on me. For Showdown XVIII was to start in 2 hours. And somehow front row tickets had fallen my way, right where the action is. A quick shower and soon myself, my mum and sister, an uncle and aunty and 2 cousins were on our way to Football Park for what was to be a great game.
Early on it looked daunting with only me and my cousin sitting up the front (the others were a couple rows back) surrounded by Port supporters, especially when Port kicked the first goal of the match. But the Crows soon hit their straps and the second quarter involved a lot of leaning over the fence and banging on the signs as the Crows outscored their less skillful opponents 5 goals to 2 for a 4 goal lead at half time. The third quarter wasn’t as pleasant, Port bringing it back to 2 goals at three-quarter time and then kicking a goal within a minute of play beginning in the last. Oh the tension, the excitement, the buzz. The Crows ended up coming out triumphant, the perfect finish to a great game. And then spectators were allowed onto the field. As I stepped onto the sacred ground that is Football Park a sense of pride washed over me. All the young kids were running around emulating what their heroes had just done and I just thought of the young lad who wanted to play like me. And then I realised I didn’t have a footy, I have about 20 in the boot of my car but none with me right when I need one. Oh well, it was still a great finish to a great day.

And just this morning I noticed one of Wirruna’s (the yellow female) eggs had hatched into a baby budgie! Little Chief is a dad! Just got to wait and see if the other 2 eggs hatch as well. Here’s hoping.

Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?

2005-07-19T16:08:00.000+09:30

Holidays are almost at an end. And what lonely holidays they have been. For the last 2 weeks I have been living at home by myself (Im not complaining about that) as my parents and sister traveled to the Gold Coast by car via Byron Bay, Coffs Harbour, Noosa and Fraser Island (by their request I am to join them in a few days to visit the worlds of Movies and Dreams – I was studying my body in the mirror trying to work out how I would look walking down the beaches but I realised I’m too white and everyone will be blinded by the reflection of the sun off my body). I was thinking of going up a bit earlier and visiting Hamilton Island so I could catch up with my brother who has been working there for the last few months because, dare I say it, I have missed him these holidays. Back in the old days we would do everything in the holidays together, especially in the winter. Whether it be backyard cricket/footy/soccer by ourselves or with the neighbours or massive Nintendo competitions, we would have fun.

Lets go back in time to when I was 17. My brother was 15, the 2 next door neighbours 19 and 21, the neighbour across the road 16, his sister 13, neighbours two houses down him 14 her 16, the girl across the street and a house down 19. On any days of sunshine massive street cricket games would erupt, made even better by the fact that we live in a no through road meaning the only cars that came down were those that lived there. Or if there was only a few of us, the next door neighbours had a half-court tennis court so smaller cricket, soccer, tennis, basketball games would entertain us for hours. Or if it was raining we would play cards. I learnt and mastered many games including that of Cheat, Warlords and Scumbags, Entrepreneur, Black Jack (although not much luck at the casino) or the strategical board games of Risk, Space Crusades, and Cash Flow. Or if it was just me and my brother we would often spend hours in front of the Nintendo (or more recently the Xbox) and try and out do each other, especially at Mario Kart 64. We once even went all the way and started a massive Mario Kart 64 tournament consisting of competing in all four cups at 50cc, 100cc, 150cc and backwards with the ultimate champion being the one who earned the most points through all races. Bonus points were awarded for the cup win. And the same character had to be used over every race. I was a Donkey Kong fan. We would even spend hours taking it turns in time trials on different circuits to try and determine who the Ultimate Champion was.

Back to the future, and we have all grown up. No more street cricket or backyard soccer. And with my brother gone no more Ultimate Champion tournaments. As the song says: 15, there's never a wish better than this.

A Not So Splendid Time

2005-06-29T10:49:00.000+09:30

Sad news fellow budgie smugglers. Old age has finally caught up with the eldest budgie Splendid, passing away on Monday. "She was like a mother to us all" wimpers Walrus the Gentle". "My first true love" sobs Pirate. Splendid lived a quiet, peaceful life and enjoyed the morning sun on cold winter days. Layng 8 eggs on 3 diferent occasions, Splendid never became a mother. Try as she might, the eggs just wouldnt hatch. This was the biggest disappointment of her life, often saying she just wanted to be a mother. "She will be missed" the words of Hansbert says it all.

Sweet dreams Splendid, sweet dreams.

And in more sad news for Pooh lovers, the voices of Tigger and Piglet have passed on, within one day of each other. I think the new Winnie the Pooh movie will have to be seen just put of respect.

Wedding Bells Are Chiming

2005-06-22T13:45:00.000+09:30

Just a quick congratulations to my good mate Andymanx and his fiance on their engagement. Its very pleasing to see to young lovebirds so happy in love.

And Im very honoured to be a part of the wedding party.

My first bucks night...watch out ladies!

A Special Probe Into The World of Cricket

2005-06-20T01:08:00.000+09:30

Shaun my good friend, that is one interesting topic that you have left me to ponder but one I am willing to delve into. A quick search has revealed that yes, team scores are tending to be higher these days than in yesteryears - at least for one day matches (and it should be noted one day cricket has only been around for about 30 years). Although the top 4 highest scores of all time (including Sri Lanka’s whopping 5-398 against Kenya in 1995/96) were hit in the mid to late nineties, a large proportion of scores above the 330 mark (when you know you have really been spanked) have been scored since 2000. Now why is this? Is it because players are getting better, or perhaps technology has improved the bats, or maybe even global warming has produced better conditions for batters. No I say, it can’t be any of those reasons. If players are getting better, then wouldn’t bowlers also be getting better? And most of the highest individual scores have been made in the century preceding the one we now call the present. In 1997, Saeed Anwar of Pakistan was able to smash his way to 194 against India. You have to go back to the days of Viv Richards of West Indies (1984) to get the second highest score of 189 against England. Mark Waugh’s (if you didn’t know he was Australian shame on you…shame ,shame ,shame) 173 against the West Indies is the highest score since 2000 (9th all time highest), followed by Craig Wishart’s (Zimbabwe) score of 172 against Namibia in 2003 and, in all fairness to Namibia, I have captained greater backyard cricket sides than the one they produced that day. So it would seem the players are of no higher standard than their predecessors.
So what about technology? Surely that must be having an effect, afterall golfers are hitting further and tennis players hitting faster. But no, cricket is a sport which has kept the rate of technology in check (except for the use of the third umpire – understandable for run outs but catches and LBW’s I mean cmon lets get serious for a moment). The only improvement on the bat is perhaps the quality of wood that is used to make it.
Global warming? The conditions do play a part in the game of cricket but because you cant play when it rains anyway, conditions have a factor of 0 in terms of performance.
So to the reason why team scores are tending to be higher now than before: Back in the mid nineties Sri Lanka changed the way the one day game was played. In the first 15 overs of the innings, the fielding side can only have 2 players outside the inner circle. This means there are a lot of players in close to the batsmen but if they can get the ball through the field it is at least 2 if not 4. The game plan was just to play conventional, safe cricket for 15 overs and wait for the field to spread out a bit. In the mid nineties, Sri Lanka decided the first 15 overs was where they were going to get there runs. With most the fielders up, it meant the boundary was unguarded. So Sri Lanka played unconventional, dangerous cricket - introducing new shots if needed – and took on the bowlers in the first 15 overs of their innings hitting the ball hard, over the top or through the field for boundaries. This is when they scored their 398. Now, although that thinking is still sometimes employed (like when Australia belted 359 against India in the 2003 World Cup final in South Africa and again just 2 summers ago at the SCG) most teams go for the conservation of wickets approach. The theory is that if a team still has 7 or 8 wickets left with just 10 or 15 overs to go, they can start to hit out and take some risks. So early on in the innings, instead of hitting out, teams like to go steady with a run rate of about 4 or 5 an over and keep wickets in hand. If they can make it to 40 overs with a score of about 3-200, they can afford to take risks and will quite often hit about 8 to 10 an over for the final 10 overs, reaching a score close to 300. Ten years ago, 250 would win more games than it lost, now 270/280 is generally a par score. This is also helped with the structure of the team. With each bowler only allowed to bowl 10 overs, there needs to be at least five bowlers in the team. These days there are normally 3 or 4 bowlers and a couple of allrounders. This means the team has more players that can hit the ball and not just swing the bat like bowlers tend to do. And this may also be why individual scores are not breaking records. The batters at the top may go out and have a hit early to try and establish a dominating position over the fielding side but if they fail, the lower top/ middle order batsmen bat to get the team back into a position where they can hit out at the end of the innings. Sri Lanka had the players in the mid nineties where they could keep having a hit early on even if they lost early wickets. These days, its have a go early and if that doesn’t work, consolidate and hit out at the end.
It may also be useful to note that in today’s modern game, many more countries are being introduced to the game. In the last world cup, countries such as the Netherlands, Canada and Namibia took part. The captain of the Netherlands was a doctor that took holidays to participate, Canada’s opening batsman only batted at number 6 for a South Australian district side (although he did hit the fastest ever century in a world cup – 111 off 67 balls – a fair effort ill give him that), and one of the Namibian players also played for Namibia in the Rugby Union World Cup suggesting he is one of the greatest athletes in the world or one of just a few athletes in Namibia – me thinks the latter. This can lead to traditional countries like Australia amassing big totals against these newcomers when they play each other.
On saying that, however, last night Bangladesh was able to cause what is perhaps the greatest upset in sporting history by beating Australia. As an Australian it was a gut wrenching moment (if anybody had been around to witness it, they would’ve seen a grown man cry) but as a sport lover it was good to see such a team take a big step in its development and I look forward to the next 10 years when they will become a much tougher opponent. Bangladesh has a population of about 150 million people and ill put money on that there are about 20 million (our population) kids who are right now holding a cricket bat dreaming of being Ashraful and scoring a hundred against Australia to win the match.

Anyways, this is perhaps the most I have ever written in 15 minutes and if you have made it this far I salute you. Why is it that it takes me all night to write a uni assignment but just a quarter of an hour to explore the fascination that is cricket? And I haven’t even mentioned test cricket yet and the way that it is almost opposite to one dayers (in that team totals don’t seem to be getting bigger but individual scores (like Matthew Hayden’s (an Aussie…shame, shame, shame) 380 2 summers ago and then Brian Lara’s (West Indies – wow brackets inside brackets – is that legal) 400 not long after) are on the rise. And what does this all mean for junior and social cricket? And what about yours truly? As a slow/medium swing bowler heading into the allrounder status, should I change my game to reflect that of the stars? But all that’s for another time. This is where it is at. Where?

O you pretty Chitty Bang Bang
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, we love you
And in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, what we'll do
Near, far, in our motor car
O what a happy time we'll spend
Bang Bang, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
Our fine four fendered friend
Bang Bang Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
Our fine four fendered friend

There's a mouse in my house, which is now empty

2005-06-09T09:51:00.000+09:30

At 6am Tuesday morning a plane took off destined for Queensland and my brother was on it. Why? Because he is now working on Hamilton Island. So my brother's in Queensland, my dad is in Arkaroola (in the North of the state)...the house is getting quite empty. Just me, my mum and my sister. At least ill get the barbeque shapes to myself.

I must also mention my new addition to the "zoo" I seem to have. The other day while filling up the budgies birdbath I spotted a mouse. Turning the hose to 'jet' I aimed and fired. After about a five minute game of the mouse running around the avairy and me soaking it with the hose, (the budgies didnt seem to care, Walrus the Gentle even stayed on the ground unfussed by the whole mouse and water situation), the mouse ceased to run anymore. On inspection it was still alive but very cold and scared. And it was giving me that look. The one where you cant be angry with it anymore, 'Im actually really nice and cute' look. So I picked it up and put in in a fish tank (minus the water and fish). Back to the birdbath and yet another mouse pokes it head out a hole. By poke I mean struggle out of the hole. It really did look like someone climbing up a cliff, over that last little bit that got you back on flat ground, with your last ounce of energy. So into the tank with the other one. It was touch and go for a while for the second mouse, it really must have come close to drowning in one of the holes. The only movements it made for a while was when I poked it with a stick. A light above the tank though soon got both mice back to stable conditions. So much so that during the night the second mouse was able to escape. I dont know how it got out (can mice jump?) but now there is a mouse in the garage somewhere, much to mums horror. So now I need a name for the mouse.

Ralph Lauren..... who?

2005-05-31T09:27:00.000+09:30

Some family friends recently visited China and upon their return brought some gifts to show their appreciation of all the partying I did at their house while they were away for the 2 weeks. One such gift was a blue polo shirt. 'Wicked' I thought. 'It looks quite nice, impress the ladies. Off to uni I go wearing blue polo shirt, taking no notice of the Ralph Lauren tag I cut off in the morning. Afterall, who is Ralph Lauren and what does it matter, the shirt is from China so probably a fake. But then someone notices the little black logo of a man on a horse (of which I couldnt work out what the logo was supposed to be) and is impressed by the calibre of clothing i am wearing. "Its a fake" I reply to their comments of appraisal "from China". But then closer inspection reveals that the shirt has all the makings of a real one, fakes apparently have many things different to the real thing. "No its a fake" I assure them. Only to find out later that day it is infact a real Ralph Lauren shirt. 'No biggy' I ponder 'real or fake it doesn't bother me. Who is this Ralph guy anyway?'

Just a famous fashion designer who sells shirts with tiny logos for ridiculusly high prices thats who! Probably the most expensive peice of clothing I have ever worn. I don't think I will be wearing it all that often now- wouldn't want soemthing to happen to it.

I Am Currently Experiencing Technical Difficulties But Please Be Patient I Will Be Back

2005-05-22T20:04:00.000+09:30

If you are reading this than I am back. I don't know what went wrong but some of you peasant blogger readers may have noticed a lack of green screen and instead found white. Its all good now.

If You Have To Get Up Before Sunrise, You Shouldnt Have To Go To Uni

2005-05-18T09:08:00.000+09:30

The heading says it all.

I've Been Kanoodled!

2005-05-08T10:35:00.000+09:30

Not long ago I was the victim of a serious kanoodling onslaught. Pokes in the abs of steel, hands down the shirt feeling the iron pecs, continuos appraisal of my stunning good looks. And it worked...it felt so good! Finally someone realising the enourmous speciality of me.

Off topic..I've now had a texting relationship (kind of, maybe, its what i call it). Heres how it went:

Anonymous: Yeah i agree girl its just so hard getting back out there after being with him for five years...Ive forgotten wat to do. Sweet dreams. Wendy
Me: Sorry I think ou may have the wrong number. Have a good night.
Wendy: Oops sorry :0)
Me: No worries its all good
Wendy: Thanks, i feel like an idiot! My girlfriends now laughing at me...See what men do to ya!!!
Me: We're not all bad. Anyway, who hasnt sent a message to the wrong number before?
(I wouldlike to say here that at the time I was studying for a uni quiz the next day and completey bored)
Wendy: Oops again...Yeah i know all men arnt the same but im yet to find one! Sorry again god now i really do feel like an idiot!
Me: No worries. Have a good one.
Wendy: Ok i wont say anything else now but goodnight whoever you are :0)
Me: Cheers. Sam
Wendy: Good name! Thats my sons name too
Me: Great name. Bet he's a fantastic kid
Wendy: He is so cute! Excellent kid couldn't ask for better. Just glad he is like me and not his dad unfortunately
Me: Good to hear. Just dont let him talk to strangers the night before a uni quiz
Wendy: Laugh out loud! What are you trying to study?
Me: Human development. The Early Years. Interesting but would be better if i actaully had a kid
Wendy: How old are you if you dont mind me asking?
Me: 20. Still got a few years before my first. And yourself?
Wendy: Yes there is no rush for you believe me take your time. Im 31 and its hard work with kids but fun. Ill let you get back to study. Good luck tomorrow with exam
Me: Cheers. I enjoyed the distraction
Wendy: No worries anytime. Isnt it strange... I msg wrong number and now talking to complete stranger. Yes i enjoyed it too thanks. Now go study! :0)

And then it was over. At least I got her number!

(And before I go, just a quick tip. If you are at uni early in the morning, say when the cleaners are cleaning, make sure there isnt an old cleaner lady hiding in a cubicle when you go to the toilet. It can provide an awkward situation for both when she walks out before you have had time to shake it, shake it, shake it. Shake it like a polaroid picture!)

Like A Wave On The Ocean We Danced

2005-05-04T06:05:00.000+09:30

For the last 2 weeks I have been living on my own, house sitting for some friends (and what a house it is!). However, the experience hasn't made me want to move out of home any sooner. To say I lived there would be using the definition of lived very loosley. To begin with I was loving it - the independance, the peace, the serenity. But I soon found myself on frequent journeys home for dinner and other food runs. Life on your own can lead to hunger and a longing for, dare I say it, something healthy to eat.
Anyway, the new house meant a differnt bus route to uni. Interesting? Not really except for that bus not operating before 9 oclock in the morning, screwing me around big time. Back on the 105, a full bus and one crazy guy holding his hands over his ears, putting his head forward and rocking, looking up about every 10 seconds and muttering stuff (probably about aliens). I really thought he was going to have a nervous breakdown or pull out a gun and start shooting at everyone or aliens. I am hereby declaring right now the 105 bus route the greatest bus route in the history of all bus routes.
And to everyone who said I was "whinging", my sore shoulder (suffered doing a courageuos team act in football) ended up being damaged tendons with some slight bone irregularites. Its only taken 10 days for me to finally be able to move my arm. But whatever doesnt kill me only makes me stronger!

Everybody Has A Hungry Heart

2005-04-20T09:43:00.000+09:30

Sunday morning, 5:20 am and my alarm goes off. Why? Because someone was able to talk me into playing golf at Mt Barker, teeing off at 7:00. The things I put myself through for charity. If I was a Scottish traditionalist and wore a kilt I could have used all my digits to count the number of good shots I had. Thats right, 11. Of the 18 holes and the 4 hours I was on the golf course I only produced 11 quality shots. To be fair to myself some of those were 200+ drives straight down the fairway (but then i have to chip and those who have played with me know I prefer to putt when I get within 50m of the hole). But really, how hard is it to get a white ball into a hole without hitting water/trees/rocks/poles/bridges/people/all of the previous? I forgot to read andymanx's 'The Tree's and Me' before I played which didnt help. Luckily, though, it was this different scoring system that I hadn't played before and my handicap allowed me to score a few points (I didn't come last - I even beat someone in my group of 4, yay!). So I am sorry to say there is no inspiratioanl story of me playing golf (or any other sport for that matter - but dropping 2 catches in a cricket semi final and only playing c grade football will do that) except that I did hit the longest drive on the 16th (I think it was that hole) that one of my playing group had ever seen on that hole and he plays there a lot so I must be good.

And while on the topic of sport, when did bridge become a sport? The paper a few days ago included bridge in their brief sport rap up at the end of the sport section. Cards are not sport. Neither is fishing, chess, game hunting or soccer.

Pirate

2005-04-17T13:00:00.000+09:30

A couple of nights ago a big rat disturbed my budgies and one ended up with a leg pointing in the wrong direction. Off to the bird doctor (Dr Wolf and Dr Bird are actually real vets (but not mine)) and on quick inspection he could see the leg was already dead. So off it came. Now, it probably isn’t a laughing matter but can you imagine a budgie with a gas mark on? Anyway, Pirate - as he is now called - is doing fine and learning to adjust to using just one leg. Seagulls do it all the time so I don’t think it will be a problem for Pirate. One of the other budgies broke a toe in the disturbance also but she is doing well and didn’t need any surgery.

I still haven’t named two of the budgies. Both are female, one bright yellow (sunshine maybe?) and one purple.

And for the mice and rats this is your final warning. I’ve tried keeping you out of the aviary but if you continue to harm my budgies I will be forced to use extreme measures of poison and traps. I don’t want to but you may leave me no other choice. Behave.

It Doesn't Get Any Better

2005-04-14T17:16:00.000+09:30

For those of you not involved in a sporting club go join one now. Let it be football, cricket, lawn bowls or croquet I don’t care just join one. You don’t have to be good or even play just as long as you get to go on the end of season trip. You don’t know what you are missing out on. I didn’t know what I was missing out on. I have been playing sport for a long time but never went on an end of season trip until last weekend. And no words can describe the time I had. Swan Reach on the Murry with the cricket lads. People can tell you how good it is but you don’t actually know truly what it is like. Every moment is a barrel of fun. (Except for the hour I watched Rage on Saturday morning, listening to that Home and Away chick and that young blonde guy sing “Top 50” songs. I don’t know who decides they are top 50 but something needs to be done about it).

Anyway, I’ve never been the greatest swimmer or the most confident around water or ever been on a Wave Runner before but I can tell you I will get back on one whenever I get the chance. I used to think they just polluted the air and chewed up our fossil fuels but I now know what all the fuss is about. And sea biscuits!! I recommend these to anyone (minus the whip lash). The best ride I’ve ever been on in any theme park or anything. Add in BBQ’s (all that I ate bar a couple of eggs), alcohol (all that I drank bar a couple of plain cokes), football and the local pub and the weekend was my oyster.

Tip of the Day

2005-03-31T09:51:00.000+09:30

When reheating last night's pizza in the microwave, don't put it on a plate. Cut out a piece of the box slightly larger than your pizza and microwave it on that. This stops the base getting soggy, and saves on washing up.

A Day On The Bus

2005-03-01T11:11:00.000+10:30

Today was indeed a weird and wonderful day on the bus. Firstly, I left home at 9:43 to catch a 9:46 bus and it takes about 5 minutes to reach the bus stop so I had to run a little way. As I got closer I saw no bus and thought I had missed it until I saw others waiting at the stop. The bus arrived at 9:48 and didn’t depart for another minute, already 3 minutes late and it hadn’t already started its run. However, this driver had it all under control. It was almost like being in Speed, the bus not going below 50km/h. I was waiting for the driver to leave the doors open and people having to jump aboard as the bus drove past. He even started asking where everyone was going. However, I got to the city in one piece and in record time.

On the way home, the bus was almost full when I got on and I sat on one of those seats that looks backwards (on the older buses where 4 people can sit, 2 facing backwards. You know the ones). Now, the girl opposite (looking forwards) was quite pleasant to look at as was the very fine blonde girl behind her and the girl sitting on the back row of seats. Then the bus stopped and another girl got on, sitting next to the girl opposite me. I had first noticed her running to the bus as it stopped and the large amount of bounce she created in front of her. As she sat down I got a good look at the very low cut top she was wearing. The twins she was exposing weren’t overly huge but still very impressive. Where was I to look? Out the window, which is what I did for every time I looked around the bus I saw nothing but beauty. To make things worse, the driver was crazier than the mornings, braking in the last 5 metres at each bus stop and set of lights and hitting every possible bump in the road. And each bump set off the two twins. It was like watching jelly wobble, it just didn’t stop. It took every ounce of strength to not stare in awe at the sight before me because there was no snake in my pocket to use as an excuse. I can safely say I gave that trip 3 thumbs up.

I look forward to tomorrow.

Ridiculing Fat People

2005-02-24T17:44:00.000+10:30

For years now it has been acceptable to ridicule and tell people off for smoking. I’m now taking it a step further. To all fat people out there – ITS NOT THE JEANS THAT MAKE YOUR ASS LOOK FAT. You’re not big boned, it doesn’t run in the family, you are just FAT. Get up, go outside, take a walk and if you are hungry when you get back eat some fruit. Stop complaining about being fat and do something about it. I’m getting sick of your excuses and hearing about you an your fat kids on A Current Affair. Just because there are millions of starving people in this world it doesn’t mean you have to eat for them as well. You should be ashamed of yourselves and not venture out in public. There’s nothing worse than fat people at the beach.

Remembrance & Welcome

2005-02-16T09:48:00.000+10:30

I’d like to take this opportunity to welcome my new budgies, 2 females (one yellow one purple) and a male (white). For recently I have lost a few budgies, 1 to a mouse and 3 to a virus passed on by the mouse. I now have 7 budgies, 3 female and 4 male.

However, my budgies don’t have names. I haven’t given them names as I feel it isn’t my right to give names. I know the budgies by sight and they know me. Some have quite a character. Some a very curious and don’t mind me at all and will even eat out my hand or sit on my head or shoulder. Others are shy and are reluctant to come near until they see others are not being harmed. By giving them names I believe I am taking them out of the wild and taking their own right of giving names. But the recent deaths have me thinking. Should they really die without a name? Should they be known as ‘the budgies’? I know who they are and they know each other but perhaps a name will help others remember them. But what name is suitable. Greg, Tony and Martha are not suitable for budgies and Spotty, Stripes and Bluey is just insulting. Therefore I ask you, blogger reader, should I name my budgies and if so what names are appropriate?

So to the budgies that have left this budgie family I remember. To the new members of the budgie family I welcome you.

Hello Blogger World

2005-02-04T00:01:00.000+10:30

This is an extremely witty and intelligent sentence that precedes my introduction into blogger world.

As Ben Lee sings in the background warning Cigarettes Will Kill You, I ponder ‘what can I write in my first blog?’. Thoughts flow through my head such as ‘what wood are the ashes made of?’ quickly followed by ‘I don’t really care what tree was cut down to make some stumps so aussie heroes could start the tradition of flogging england’. However, to keep the nerdfest that is Matt and Michaels sports trivia via msn night going I politely answer, probably incorrect. Yes, incorrect. Ash it turns out to be. (For you American rednecks cricket is a game of skill, passion and precision, a truly great game although not quite as good as aussie rules but thats for another day).

In all seriousness though, I do hope you enjoy and comment on this fantastic journey we are going to travel together - me as the master blogger writer and you as the peasant blogger reader. It should be great. In fact, I dont really care if you dont enjoy it Im going to keep writing anyway because someone, somewhere will enjoy it. Thats my aim in life. Be inspirational. If only one person is inspired about anything I say or do I am happy. I am always happy. I like to think that I've inspired everyone I've met. They havent told me but I know. Its the way they laugh at me when im saying something inspirational. Or the way they watch my immensely talented sporting feats. I always inspire on the field. Actions speak volumes.

I just ate a banana.

Samadoochi